tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43870541203830361122024-02-08T08:39:58.156-05:00Anthology of the MindYou'll see, if you choose to set your eyes to words, what I have to say.Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-60531540115143345992012-01-29T09:30:00.003-05:002012-01-29T09:30:18.098-05:00I am a writer...(Just a random stream of consciousness I wrote while at work yesterday.)<br />
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building in the pit of my stomach, a small dark knot made of nausea and
self-doubt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't understand it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can't understand it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have I lost my will to write?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm staring at the keyboard with a stomach
full of butterflies, paralyzed that I've burned myself out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't know what to do.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span> </span>I can feel it burning
inside me, like acid in my veins, this desire to write, to get these words out
in digital ink on virtual paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To feel
my fingers flying over the keyboard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To
relieve some of this desperate ache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
instead I fall into this same rut, over and over and over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Open the file, stare at the blank page, and
become furious with myself for sitting so firmly on this writers block.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span> </span>And they scream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh god, do they scream and rage and curse at
me, demanding that they be the next to be released upon the world, that their
story is the next that must be told.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They refused to be sated, they refuse to be silenced and I'm starting to
think that the only person who is not inside my head is me.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span> </span>I know them by
name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know them by spirit, by
attitude, by what fraction of my psyche that they represent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bryna and Brin, duality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jessica, desire for freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Daniel, desire for justice and the power to
enforce that justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Disperia, desire
for vengance and escape, for rage and violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mordred, desire for acceptence and adventure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nichole, desire for control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jebzebelle, desire for complete abandon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DJ, desire for understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They're all there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All bits and pieces and fragments of the
whole that is me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They're all me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every one of them, and every one who will
ever develop.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span> </span>So if I know this for
a fact and for truth, why do I sit here with my guts tied in knots, staring at
a blank page?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is me, this is all of
me, and I am a writer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the champion
of the written word, a smith of language and prose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a writer, blessed or damned, and there
is nothing that they or anyone can do to prevent my voice from being
unleashed!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Critics be damned and
especially the worst critic of all, myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Slit the throat of my inner critic and leave it to bleed it's inky-black
blood all over the cosmos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><span> </span>You cannot stop
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot silence us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot muzzle the muse or sew shut the
lips of the speaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a writer and
writing is what I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is all that I
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This menial day to day drivel to pay
the bills means as little to me as the dirt beneath the soles of my shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a means to keep a roof over my head,
pens in my hand and power to my laptop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am a writer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This dead end
flourscent-lit hell is simply a means to an end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><span> </span>I don't expect to be
famous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I expect to get my stories
written, to unleash my characters upon the world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><span> </span>I am a writer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is all I am and all I ever shall be.</span></div>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-23208514803600295272011-12-02T20:22:00.001-05:002011-12-02T20:23:16.263-05:00Flash Fiction Challenge: Silent Singer's SorrowFor today's Flash Fiction Challenge from Terrible Minds....since I really want that book. :-p<br /><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:version>12.00</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> 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name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center" align="center">Silent Singer’s Sorrow</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>She sang.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She sang at the top of her lungs until she was sure her soul would shatter into a million glittering shards.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Her voice echoed off the leaves and branches of the ancient forest, a song so sad that the trees slowly started to remember a similar sound.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A broken hearted Greek with a lute, singing, pining for his lost love, and even the trees began to weep.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She leaned against the trunk of an ancient oak, her body weak but her voice stronger than before.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>After resting for a moment, her song unending, she stood and again moved on.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>She cried out for her loss, the grief in her voice shaking the resolve of any who heard her.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Wanderers and travelers in the woods were moved to tears by her voice, falling over each other as the emotions overwhelmed them.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Carts were overturned, horses and mules lost to the darkness of the woods, and no one seemed to notice or care.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She left piles of shuddering and sobbing forms in her wake.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Her voice was beautiful, that could not be denied.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Any other time, any other place, she could have performed for kings and queens, emperors and their consorts, the highest and most elite of any in the land.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Her voice was unrivaled, and all who heard her knew it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>As her clear soprano broke the night once again, all knew, but instead of cheering, they wept.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Her long hair tangled in low hanging branches and thorn bushes, and she simply walked on, tearing large chunks from her scalp and leaving bloody trails from her skin.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She simply did not notice.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She walked until her shoes fell apart and her feet bled, but still she sang, seemingly impervious to what should have been blinding pain.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A trickle of blood from her scalp flowed into her eyes, but instead of wiping it away, she stumbled forward, her voice only wavering when she tripped in her blindness and fell forward into the dust.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>She continued like this until the inhabitants of the woods could no longer stand the constant deluge of grief and misery.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Her voice only stopped for the few minutes of sleep she took a day, and slowly, they were going as mad as the wandering singer.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Finally, when they could take it no longer, a woodsman stuffed his ears with cotton and beeswax, and followed the bloody footprints of the singer into the woods.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even with his ears blocked, her voice was almost unbearable, and he could feel tears flowing unbidden down his cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He dashed them away with the back of his hand and walked on.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He quickly came upon the bloody, broken woman, walking slowly through a clearing.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He quickened his pace and quickly overtook her.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Grabbing her by the shoulders, he spun her around to face him.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The full strength of her voice as such close range staggered him and he almost fell to his knees.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Instead, he pulled back his arm and slapped the woman, once, straight across the face.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Her voice faltered, but did not fail.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He pulled back and slapped her again, and as her head snapped to the side, she fell silent, for the first time since she had entered the woods.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The woodsman pulled the cotton and wax from his ears, and stared the woman full in the face.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She was not struggling against him, but there was no way she could have seen him.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Her eyes were clotted shut with blood from her scalp.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Feeling a pang of pity, he pulled his water skin from his hip and, holding her chin, poured the water down her face to loosen the dried blood.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She tried to pull away at the first touch of water, but he held her firm.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Once her face was wet, he dropped the water skin to the dirt and pulled out a rag to wipe her face clean.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>He wiped the clots from over her eyes first and she blinked, then squinted her eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Though the woods were not bright, it was still brighter than the darkness she had been seeing.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Why do you do this, woman?” He asked, releasing her chin and stepping back a moment.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She just looked at him, as though she didn’t understand.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Why do you do this!” he yelled, and the expression on his face caused her to step back a moment.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She took a deep breath to begin her song again, and he crossed the distance between them quickly, pulling back his arm for another slap.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She remained silent.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Why will you not answer me?”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The woodsman looked her over, slowly taking in her beaten and battered form.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A puzzled look crossed the woman’s face for a moment, then she pointed to her ears.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I don’t understand, singer.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Why do you do this?”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>A sad look crossed the singer’s face.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Looking down at herself, she reached into a piece of tattered cloth that must have once been a cloak, and pulled out a small piece of paper.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It was thick, high quality paper, with black script scrawling across it’s surface.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She looked at it once, then handed it to the woodsman.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I am deaf,” read the note.</p>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-60562799500942501152011-09-29T12:03:00.001-04:002011-09-29T12:03:47.559-04:00Missing my Muse....I would rather be sitting outside, the warm breeze brushing gently against my face, even though the temperature outside will be almost unbearable in the next few hours. Anywhere that I can be alone, even if it's just for a few minutes. Anywhere that I can focus on my writing without the distraction of my children or the television with it's garish colors and too loud cartoon sounds. Anywhere that I can get away from the error beeps and game sounds of my son's computer games.<br /><span class="tab"></span>They are all there. My characters, I mean. Disperia, Jessica, Nichole, DJ, James, Mordred and the rest. They are all there, inside my head. Call me crazy if you will, but my characters are all a part of me. I am not writing, honestly. I am just the tools that they use to put down their stories on paper. I have no control over what my characters do, and no half the time I have no idea what's going to happen next in the story. I have a scene for Jessica that I'm twelve pages into writing so far and I have no idea how it's going to end. <br /><span class="tab"></span>I am missing my muse. I know she's there, I can feel her in everything. In every time that I see something and my mind slips into a third-person narrative. <p><span class="tab"></span>"That faux-hawk makes you look like a douche-bag" she thought to herself as she walked past the man with the offending haircut, a customer of hers who stood a good foot taller than her already ample 5 foot 7 inches. <br /><span class="tab"></span>"And that attitude makes you sound like a cunt." The reply appeared in her mind and she spun around, staring in disbelief at the tall customer who had stopped walking and turned to face her. <br /><span class="tab"></span>"You can hear me?!" she asked, both out loud and inside her mind, a shocked look plain on her face.<br /><span class="tab"></span>"Yes." he said, matter of factly. It took her a second to realize that he had not moved his lips. "Did you really think you were the only one?" Before she could collect her thoughts to respond, he spun on his heel and stalked away. His muscular frame was tense with irritation, but he had a half-smile resting on his lips. </p> <p><span class="tab"></span>I see things like this every single day. I see how people react to each other and to themselves. I watch the managers walk around the store and even the biggest crowd parts for them like a school of fish around a shark. I write, I think, I see, but I can't put my fingers to my keyboard and get it all down before it flees my mind like a startled deer. <br /><span class="tab"></span>So maybe I just have to sit here and write, no matter what comes out of my head and gets translated into pixels on a screen or ink on a piece of paper. I may be missing my muse but she'll come back, no matter what I do. <br /><span class="tab"></span>She always does.</p>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-4866296960869650352009-10-18T08:06:00.001-04:002009-10-18T08:07:33.524-04:00Idleness*just a thought that occurred to me as I woke up this morning.*<br /><br />Did it ever occur to anyone that the reason that depression and other mental illnesses have become so prevalent in today’s society is not due to genetics or exposure to toxins or anything along those lines, but rather that it is due to the fact that as a society, we have become idle. <br /><br /><br /> Idle hands are the devils playground, or so the old saying goes. We no longer have to work from sunup to sundown, tending fields and animals, building structures and trading for what we needed to survive. Now, if you are hungry, you can buy a hamburger from McDonald’s on your way to wherever you’re going. If you’re cold, you turn the heat up, or buy a blanket from Wal-Mart. <br /><br /><br /> The advent of technology has given us ample time to sit idle. And yes, I am counting watching TV, surfing the internet, and playing video games as sitting idle. As we sit in front of our various electronic toys, we have time to sit and brood and dwell on all the negatives of the day. Didn’t get that job, paycheck was too small, bills need to be paid, bad grades, bad luck with the opposite sex, what have you. Instead of rising with the dawn, or even before, and working though the day until the sun sets, we’re rising with the lunch truck, and then staying up to all hours of the evening. <br /><br /><br /> This was sparked by a sudden burning desire to have a farm or something that required a good portion of my time to maintain. Yes, my children do require a good bit of time, but as they get older, the time is more varied, and less in length much of the time. Even my 10 month old daughter is very independent and would rather play by herself much of the time.<br /><br /><br /> So that’s my two cents. It’s not directed at any particular person, save perhaps myself. It just seems to me that as a society we have become idle and this could be, if not a reason, than a major contributing factor in the massive rise of depression and mental illness in our society.<br /><br />Any thoughts?Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-56991984041879277082009-09-29T07:19:00.000-04:002009-09-29T07:20:29.299-04:00Life's Cruel JokeThank you, Life, for the grand joke you play<br />Leave us sifting though echoes while searching for sound<br />Keep it all black and white wile we seek for the gray<br />Let us think we are free when you know we are bound.<br /><br />Laugh as you like, as we struggle and squirm<br />Against wire and rope and cold steel<br />Leave us suspended, like hooks though a worm<br />Watch the blood as it starts to congeal<br /><br />Trick us to think that we know what to do<br />That we can understand how this plays<br />Make us believe that we're controlling you<br />While you hold the reins all our days<br /><br />Leave us defeated, and crushed by the wayside<br />Empty unseeing eyes stare at the sky<br />As a meal for the vultures, left behind your swift stride<br />Behind your back now, so you can't see me fly<br /><br />Pull myself back from the edge of the dark<br />The bitterness left with my crushed mortal form<br />This sense of defeat left behind, with no mark<br />Left on this new life, this wolf's heart reborn<br /><br />Sit there and laugh, Life, enjoy your sick joking<br />I leave you behind with my head held up high<br />Do what you like, I refuse to be broken<br />I will not give up now, I refuse to die.Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-9267334798825650802009-08-22T09:07:00.001-04:002009-08-22T09:07:34.507-04:00Day After Day.....Day after day I find myself sitting here. So desperate for adult conversation, for companionship, for any sort of interaction that isn't in the babble of a two year old, that it's a vibrent red ache in my chest.<br /><br />I'm so lonely. And I feel like I'm a horrible wife. My excuse is that I can't be on the kid's schedule (up around 6:30, bed at 8) and on my husband's schedule (up at 1pm, works til 8, up all night and goes to bed at 5am) at the same time. At their age (2.5 and 8 months) the kids need someone to watch them constantly. I just feel like I'm neglecting him. :(<br /><br />I hate being unemployed. It's got me to stressed I barely eat, and I'm too stressed to get off, unless someone spends a lot of time working on me and even then it doesn't work sometimes! It's just become too much of a hassle for hubby, so he finds his pleasure and goes on his way. But can you expect me not to be stressed!? Our rent was so late last month that we were one day off of them going to the courthouse and filing an eviction notice before we got it paid! The money that was supposed to go to getting me a laptop for school (my disbursement money from my student loans) went to paying my rent and putting food in my fridge, because the person who said he was going to pay it (my useless father in law)went and did stupid shit like buying a UKELELE! -screams her frusturation at the sky-<br /><br />I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm lonely, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. Who knows what's going to happen come the first of the month? Hubby's job has been changed (Was origionally an hourly telemarketing job, is now a comission only sales job). There's a potentional to make great money there, at 40% comission, but there's also the potentional to make no money at all. I've been searchign for almost three months for a job now, even to the point of whoring myself out to the tourist industry, and all for naught! I'm hopeless, and helpless.<br /><br />I want to scream, or cry, or pick a fight and get the fuck beat out of me, or something. I enjoy physical pain, it's this mental anguish that kills me. After spending my whole life fighting to keep my mind to rights because of bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and a plethora of other mental problems, it's all falling apart. I can't hardly make myself get dressed in the morning. My hair is a mess, my feet are bare, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't make myself get up from the computer except to go to the bathroom.<br /><br />What the fuck is wrong with me!?Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-3899004714613802262009-08-13T12:07:00.000-04:002009-08-13T12:09:19.914-04:00To Judge.....<p><strong> A woman walks alone through the mostly empty aisles, pushing a stroller. The stroller holds a baby girl, and an older boy follows at her heels. The looks she gets attempt to give her pity that she is alone with two children. She wears a wedding band on her finger, though no one seems to notice. They judge, they think her a young single mom, and don’t even think to ask.</strong></p><p><strong> She is not formally dressed. A pair of khaki capris, an orange tank top, black work boots and white socks completes her outfit. The looks are outraged that a mother, even a young one, should dare to dress in such a way. The older women are offended that she shows off her body, the younger ones disgusted at its appearance. They judge, and do not even consider from whence she gained those marks.</strong><strong><br /></strong></p><p><strong> A heavy steel collar sits at her throat, its chain dangling down between her breasts. The looks are frightened of what they do not understand. They turn away and shake their heads, not knowing why she consents to wear such an accessory. They judge, and they do not care to know.</strong></p><p> Such are the thoughts that crossed my mind as I took my two children to play at the local shopping mall. The looks, the snide comments both spoken and thought, both seem to wish to attack that which I am, and that which I choose to be.<br /></p><p> I walk alone, with two children, because my husband sleeps during the day to get ready for his night job. I wear my wedding band prominently on my left hand, as is traditional and proper, though no one seems to have the foresight to look for it anymore. They would prefer to jump to conclusions, and to be as nasty as possible while doing it. They do not care to discover that I am not, in fact, a young single mom, as they seem wont to believe. They do not care to know anything that does not fit into their safe little box.</p><p> My appearance is not incredibly vulgar or strange. I dress sensibly for Florida temperatures, when my car does not have air conditioning. In this case it was a tank top and a pair of lightly colored capris. Why is this such an affront to the ambient population of St. Petersburg? We’re a beach town, but still the population of the town wishes you to walk around covered from neck to ankles, and doubly so if you have children. When did the wishes of the populace begin to outweigh common sense? <br /></p><p> My collar is the piece that gives them the most pause. My heavy steel choke collar sits at my throat and does not leave it. It is a symbol of my subservience to my mate, but for most it just marks me as some sort of deviant, certainly someone who should not be bearing and raising children. I choose to wear my collar out of deference to my mate, not from some trend or fashion that may come and go. This is my lifestyle, but they choose not to see. They would rather see only what they wish to see.</p><p> I do not understand why it is seen as almost an obligation to judge and ridicule those who are different than you. I do not judge, I have no desire to judge anyone. Why, though, does it seem that all anyone wants to do is judge me?<br /></p>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-20702900159234505362009-08-07T12:07:00.000-04:002009-08-07T12:08:13.496-04:00Driving a wedge....<p> Does it come down to me driving a wedge between myself and my blood family, to keep my life whole?</p><p> For the past three years, I’ve tried my best to keep the peace between my family and my husband. I’ve bitten my tongue while they’ve degraded him, and attacked him and his character. And I’ve suffered the disappointment from my loving husband that I did not stand up and defend him.<br /></p><p> This morning was the final straw. My husband is not one that functions well during the day at all, and he’s been forced into working a day job. It has been difficult for him to change his sleeping schedule around to the point that he is getting enough sleep to handle his job and to take care of his other responsibilities. I understand this. </p><p>My paternal grandmother took it upon herself to schedule me for a dental appointment to have my teeth cleaned, for 10:45 am this very morning. Not taking into account the fact that my husband has to go to bed at 6:00 am when I wake up, in order to be able to get up and work in the afternoon. I called her this morning, and asked her to reschedule, politely.<br /></p><p>Nope. She wasn’t having any of it, and went off on how my dear husband is such a bastard, and he’s selfish and he thinks the entire world has to revolve around him, blah blah blah, and it goes on and on like that. I finally told her to shut up, that she was being obnoxious, that she had no right at all to insult my husband or my family like that, and to cancel the appointment. And I hung up on her.</p><p>Now, maybe I didn’t handle it in the best fashion, but I am sick and tired of people, especially my family members, coming to me and thinking they can insult my husband! First of all, why is it my responsibility to be the scapegoat here, so that you have someone you can bitch at and know your insults will get to their intended target, without actually having to confront that target?<br /></p><p>Secondly, where do you get off scheduling me for a dentist’s appointment, without so much as a by your leave? Yes, my teeth are not perfect, but I brush them each day. If they’re not as white as you would like, then that is your problem now isn’t it?</p><p>I’m done. I’m tired of letting you all walk all over me, insulting my family and my lifestyle. So, it is not perfect. So, we’re scrounging from month to month to make sure we have enough money for food and diapers. I will NOT have you insult me, or my family, or my life, or lifestyle. This is my den and I am the ALPHA BITCH! So I will drive that wedge if I must. If you wish me in your life, you will figure out that we come as a package deal, or not at all.<br /></p>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4387054120383036112.post-46557154705393550162009-08-07T11:33:00.001-04:002009-08-07T11:34:39.954-04:00What am I?<p><strong><span style="font-family:times new roman;">What am I?</span></strong></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;">We can start with the basics, as that is usually a good place to start. Woman. Wife. Mother. Lover. Friend. Gamer. Auto Mechanic. Very simple, and yet extremely complicated.</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Not so simple, then, and not so basic. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Psychic Vampire: I feed on the energy of other people. It’s not something I try to do, or that for the most part I do voluntarily. But it is there and it is part of me.</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Masochist: Yes. I delight in physical pain. But what difference does it make to you or to anyone where I find my pleasures? Why should it matter to anyone that I feel my best just after a sparring match or a fight, that I love to display my bruises and scratches and claw marks and bites? I am never struck in anger, I am never abused. So why should it matter to anyone but me?</span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> So I have some of the stranger fetishes that turn me on. Again, it is my own pleasure. Why does it matter so much to everyone else, if I enjoy being bound, or whipped, or bled. Does it really matter so much that the taste of blood on my lips drives me to utter madness, or that the full moon drives me to distraction? That the spirit of the wolf is tied so tightly to me that I don’t know where it ends and I begin?</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Why does it matter so much if I choose to wear a collar, given to me by my husband? Is it truly any different than wearing a wedding band? It is a physical representation of the same bond. Why should it matter to you if I choose to sit at his feet, to serve him as I can, as it pleases him? I was not taken, I came willingly too him. Why is that so hard for people to understand? </span></p><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;">They can live in their little boxes if they want, they can go about their lives with the naive notion that everything is just the way they set it in their own little world, and no one can break them of that idea. That’s just fine. I’m happy with the way my life is. I will teach if they want to learn, but if they seek to change, they seek in vain.</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></p><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I am me. And that is all that matters.</span>Megzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10303310200530211193noreply@blogger.com0