Day after day I find myself sitting here. So desperate for adult conversation, for companionship, for any sort of interaction that isn't in the babble of a two year old, that it's a vibrent red ache in my chest.
I'm so lonely. And I feel like I'm a horrible wife. My excuse is that I can't be on the kid's schedule (up around 6:30, bed at 8) and on my husband's schedule (up at 1pm, works til 8, up all night and goes to bed at 5am) at the same time. At their age (2.5 and 8 months) the kids need someone to watch them constantly. I just feel like I'm neglecting him. :(
I hate being unemployed. It's got me to stressed I barely eat, and I'm too stressed to get off, unless someone spends a lot of time working on me and even then it doesn't work sometimes! It's just become too much of a hassle for hubby, so he finds his pleasure and goes on his way. But can you expect me not to be stressed!? Our rent was so late last month that we were one day off of them going to the courthouse and filing an eviction notice before we got it paid! The money that was supposed to go to getting me a laptop for school (my disbursement money from my student loans) went to paying my rent and putting food in my fridge, because the person who said he was going to pay it (my useless father in law)went and did stupid shit like buying a UKELELE! -screams her frusturation at the sky-
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm lonely, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. Who knows what's going to happen come the first of the month? Hubby's job has been changed (Was origionally an hourly telemarketing job, is now a comission only sales job). There's a potentional to make great money there, at 40% comission, but there's also the potentional to make no money at all. I've been searchign for almost three months for a job now, even to the point of whoring myself out to the tourist industry, and all for naught! I'm hopeless, and helpless.
I want to scream, or cry, or pick a fight and get the fuck beat out of me, or something. I enjoy physical pain, it's this mental anguish that kills me. After spending my whole life fighting to keep my mind to rights because of bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and a plethora of other mental problems, it's all falling apart. I can't hardly make myself get dressed in the morning. My hair is a mess, my feet are bare, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't make myself get up from the computer except to go to the bathroom.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?